This is our journey with the Lord. Yours might look similar. Yours might look completely different. We're called to follow after Christ, and that doesn't look the same for everyone.

Before I married, I wanted to “have as many children as the Lord would bless me with.” The only form of child spacing I believed in was nursing. As we prepared for marriage, Josh and I talked about how we would let the Lord decide the timing and size of our family.

Our first born was born a little over a year after we were married, and we were quite happy to be parents. Abbi was five months old when my fertility returned. I didn't get it. I was nursing all the time, through the night, and she was sleeping with us. (I know this is not for everyone, but I really love nursing my babies this way!) What was wrong with the way God designed my body to work? I was quite scared of becoming pregnant so soon, still taking care of a baby. So Josh and I prayed. We simply asked the Lord to give us at least a year with just Abbi. And that's all we did. A little over a month after Abbi turned one, our second daughter, Rachel, was conceived!

When Rachel was three months old, my fertility again returned. Two months sooner than with Abbi? What is wrong with my body?! I was freaking out. Josh was concerned for me, and without my knowledge, he looked into natural family planning (NFP). When he came to me with this, I felt so loved and protected. So we gave it a shot. A little more than nine months later, Bethany was born.

After Bethany, we were intent on putting some space between pregnancies. However, we had no clue if my fertility was back or not. I had some on and off spotting for a few months after she was born. So while we tried to watch things according to the NFP way, the beginning of 2010 found me feeling yucky, and a pregnancy test confirmed that Hannah was on the way.

I was upset. Very upset. I'm not sure I've ever cried that much before (though maybe pregnancy hormones contributed to that). And then I was feeling guilty. Guilty for not wanting to be pregnant... I was just as bad as someone who wanted an abortion! My mom gently comforted me and helped me see that wasn't true. It wasn't the baby I didn't want, I just didn't want to be pregnant.

I didn't have a very good attitude during Hannah's pregnancy. I should have been more grateful. My pregnancies have been very good, considering what some women go through. And I have relatively easy and fast labors. But I was tired and my body was tired of being pregnant. So I read up lots and studied how exactly to do NFP. This was not going to happen again. I wanted to be happy to be pregnant again.

Well, Hannah came, and we didn't let a pregnancy happen. I wasn't sure of my fertility, because again I had some strange on and off spotting for a few months after Hannah was born. When she was six months old, my fertility returned. And the Lord was working in our hearts. We weren't feeling comfortable with our decision to prevent pregnancy, and several sermons, things we were reading, and conversations with friends, were leading us to rethink the matter. (None of the sermons, readings, or conversations were specifically about childbearing, but more on faith and trust in the Lord, and letting Him have control of our lives for His glory)

One evening, with many tears on my part, we talked it through. And as we talked it through, I realized more and more how selfish I am. While I was always saying “we want as many children as the Lord gives us,” I was really adding on to that “so long as they're spaced nicely.” I also realized my precious husband was feeling uneasy with our decision because he didn't want to be past the childbearing years and have regrets that we prevented the Lord from blessing us. His word says children are a blessing and reward. Each time we receive a little one (however the little one is sent) in the Lord's name, we're actually receiving Jesus!

And it really came down to that for us. Were we going to trust what the Lord says in His word? Can He be completely trusted, in every area of our life? So we prayed that the Lord would give us at least a year before we were blessed with another child. I also asked the Lord to give me what He wanted for me, and to help me accept and be grateful for that no matter what. Having children, giving up my body, is one thing I can do for the Lord. It's not easy, and I'm so selfish. But He gave of His all for me, why can't I give of my all? And I can't bear children forever, this is only a season that will be gone sooner than I know, and I don't want to have regrets.

I also asked friends to pray with me, that the Lord would grant us space, but ultimately joy and peace in whatever His will was for us. I'm so thankful for these women, and their commitment to pray for me. Each month the Lord drew me closer in a walk of faith. Would I be content and at peace for whatever His will was? And as each month went by, I thanked the Lord for the space He had given us so far, and asked for grace and peace for each new day.

One thing I specifically was praying for was the ability to completely love my husband, not holding myself back in any way. Praise the Lord, He has given us such sweet times together, and I am able to give myself freely.

Hannah turned one year old last month, and the night before her big day we found out she is a big sister! I am completely at peace, and so grateful for the Lord's work in my life. There were a couple other things that I was praying for, and they've been answered. I didn't want to be pregnant again in the summer, and I wanted a spring baby – Baby is due end of May/beginning of June.

So the journey continues. Our journey with the Lord. He has perfect plans for us, and I'm excited to see how they continue to play out as we trust Him with our lives.